comfortably numb

Everybody knows the song.  The classic, Pink Floyd staple.  I heard this on my way to run some errands tonight and I thought about how easy it is to blank out and become comfortably numb.  It takes no effort to float along in life, to skim on the surface and put everything on cruise control.  Why is that?  Is it just because it's the path of least resistance?  Are there environmental factors that lead to us checking out?  Technological dependence for one.  Smart phones and constant contact create such ridiculous distractions.  Or is it because our basic human nature is to shy away from the mirror of life, and to keep from digging too deep into ourselves?

Digging deep takes courage.  And effort.  It requires humbling oneself to evaluate and dissect the imperfections within.  It means we have to be willing to admit our weaknesses, our struggles, our failures.  It leads to reflection, and it always brings me to my knees.

Everyone needs a friend who can hold the mirror up.  Being able to be open and vulnerable and having an established trust with someone who can provide help and encouragement is scary.  But sometimes we need that friend who will see the ugly parts and lovingly work through things with us.  

How do you keep yourself grounded?  Plugged in?  Focused?

Why I Choose to Unabashedly Celebrate and Observe Veterans Day

Written November 10 2010

In today’s world of extremism, being a moderate is applauded.  This works well for me, as I am moderate in most things.  But today I choose to not be moderate.  I am celebrating and observing Veteran’s Day in memory and honor of the sacrifices made every day by our military personnel and their families.  For me, this has a deeper meaning than spouting off the historical significance of the holiday or posting a picture of a flag.  Some people will roll their eyes today, and blog about their annoyance at the collective outburst of nationalism displayed by the masses every patriotic holiday.  When I see comments like that, I always have an urge to rip off a long reply about patriotism and what it means to me.  Let me tell you about patriotism and outbursts.   I wonder if those people would really stop and think . . . .  maybe even listen.  Beyond the current bandwagon of military pride, there really is a deeper meaning for me.

“Patriotism is not short frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the quiet and steady dedication of a lifetime” (Adlai Stevenson)

This quote is a perfect description of my brother and his service.  He’s not flashy about it, he detests the limelight, he doesn’t even like to talk about his work.  But he goes about his job with quiet determination.  Yes, it’s his job.  Yes, it was his choice.  Yes, he could walk away if he really wanted to.  But it’s also a calling.  And a decision he made, with very real consequences – of time and purpose and sacrifice. I have never heard my sister in law complain about his hours.  Or his deployments.  Or the last minute changes in schedules. Or the constant unknown.  She is an amazing military spouse, and I love her even more for her support of his service.  Our family doesn’t have the luxury of an impromptu weekend get together.  Thousands of miles require careful planning.  There are holidays where we can’t be together around the same table.  There are sibling power hours that are patched together with a text or a phone call.  And that’s okay.  My sacrifice is so small in comparison to others. When I think about my brother’s service, I am proud and terrified all at the same time.  Proud to see him in uniform.  Proud that he is doing what he was born to do. Terrified of the unspoken. 

So, tomorrow I’m going to go to work, because I’m not in the retail section of the bank, and it will be business as usual.  But I will be celebrating our Veterans.  I will celebrate my brother and his precious family, and my other military friends and their families.   I will look up above my computer screen to the scrap of paper clipped from a bulletin seven years ago, and say the prayer for those in the Armed Forces of our Country, like I do every day. 

25. For those in the Armed Forces of our Country - BCP 1979

Almighty God, we commend to your gracious care and keeping all the men and women of our armed forces at homeand abroad. Defend them day by day with your heavenly grace; strengthen them in their trials and temptations; give them courage to face the perils which beset them; and grant them a sense of your abiding presence wherever they may be; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

finding my song again

I recently spent a week on the mountain at a camp that has been a part of my life since the age of 4 or 5.  After missing a dozen or so years, due to work and life and busy-ness, I made a commitment to attend the 50th Anniversary.  It was the first week of vacation I've taken for pure rest and relaxation since 2008, and how wonderful it was - precious time spent with forever friends, and making memories with some new and dear friends, too.

What better way to recharge and reconnect than to spend one's days singing and learning really good, really challenging music?  It couldn't have come at a better time.  I felt more like myself after a week on the mountain than I have in a long time in the trenches of daily life . .  . which has lead me to question why.  Of course, anyone can feel rested and relaxed after a week away from the normal routine.  But I found my voice while I was on the mountain - literally and figuratively . . . I didn't even know it was missing.  I've gone silent in a lot of ways over the past few years - I'm humming again around the house, and my heart and mind are humming too!

There are several things I can identify as reasons why I went silent.  Some that were puzzling, and some that cut deep and have left a lasting pain.  I'm going to use this blog to work through some of them.  But right along those disappointments, there have been some amazing blessings and amazingly wonderful changes that have left me deliriously happy and content!

I've been overwhelmed by a sense of focus and purpose the past few weeks.  I'm working diligently towards some really big changes, and I am excited to see doors of opportunity opening.

God has a way of stretching us, doesn't He.  Usually in ways we never thought possible, but isn't it wonderful to see the growth in real time?

new year . . . .

One of my new year's resolutions was to be more disciplined about my writing. Seeing as how today is the second day of February, I'm obviously getting right on that. I've been a little preoccupied the past month(s) and there are big changes all around me these days. Good changes, and some sad changes, too, but necessary and healthy all the same.

I'm going to start setting aside fifteen minutes a morning to write on a specific topic, and then post every day. I'm hoping this will help to get my creative thoughts flowing, and to allow me the space to organize some thoughts as well.

black monday . . . .

When I got to work this morning, I went about my normal routine of powering up, sorting through emails, checking messages, etc. About nine, I went for a cup of coffee and came back to check cnn.com for the morning headlines. That is how our office found out. There was no internal communication until 10:30 or so. When I began to realize the enormity of the sale, I started writing an account of the day as it unfolded. Some of this may just be jibberish and may not make much sense, but there is still a lot that doesn't make sense of it all.

I'm sitting at my desk. It's 11:10 am on Monday September 29th. It feels like it should be four o'clock in the afternoon already. The past two hours have been nonstop static, since the news broke about C buying W banking. My division was specifically not mentioned in the sale, which all but guarantees another announcement will be made about the sale of this division, hopefully within the next couple of days. My clients are twitchy, my coworkers are freaking out, my inbox is full of concerned messages from friends and snarky ones from others, and isn't it interesting that Charlotte is completely, and totally silent. We've been sent a memo from corporate with talking points for clients and customers. The talking points are generic at best.

It is now 1pm. Just back from grabbing a sandwich at Quiznos. Lots of W guys getting lunch there as well. My work buddy G and I ran into one of the private banking guys. He is pretty high up. He said the stock is not totally worthless, we should eventually get $8-12 a share. Not great, but better than $1 a share. He looked shell-shocked. They all looked shell-shocked. According to him, there will be significant lay-offs. It's only a matter of when. I sat and looked at the dozen or so men still in line. It was like a scene from a movie - loosened ties, unbuttoned collars. Hair standing on end and bloodshot eyes. Instead of a picture from some far-off, distant financial district, it was a picture literally across the street from my office. These are intelligent businessmen. They are knowledgeable about investments. And they didn't see this coming. How does that happen?

We now have a conf call scheduled at 2 and another at 4:30. I'm not worried about myself. I know I will be fine, regardless of the outcome. But I have all these questions and no answers! Besides the obvious regarding the future of our division, or the future of this office - How will this affect my 401(k) and stock options? What does this mean for the future of my clients? Was W truly, really just an inch away from failure? If W could potentially fail, who/what is next? Why are we not being traded on the market right now? How long will it last and will the price lift? What about the thousands of employees/retirees who just saw their retirement demolished? WHERE is the accountability for our former/current CEOs? Please tell me that the former's payout was pure stock and not cash. Every member of the board should be held accountable to the courts. We need to change the way corporate America is governed. We need to prevent greed from outweighing what is right.

Now I'm sitting on hold, waiting for the 4:30 conference call to begin. The 2 o'clock call was a complete waste of time. Less than five minutes of terse reiteration of the history of "why we are in the financial situation we are in". No new information and no Q&A. Maybe this one will give us a little more.

The late afternoon call was more of the same, but there was an open Q&A. Which confirmed that a sale is being negotiated but no suitors were specifically named. Also confirmed that an announcement will be made "as soon as possible". Confirmed that stock wasn't traded in order to give analysts time to digest the news of the sale (which was just as well, considering the stock closed at $1.84). We were told to make sure to take care of each other and "deal with the stress" and to continue servicing our clients and focusing on customer service. Additional talking points will be circulated tomorrow and an open letter to our clients is being drafted. No specifics on benefits or employee owned stock information. Many questions were punted by the HR rep on the call.

A lot of people lost a lot of money today. And a lot of my coworkers had the rug pulled out from under them. The greed of some is becoming the burden of all. Our economy is going to get worse before it gets better. The bailout is confusing at best. If the election doesn't tear our country apart, the ever depressive economy will for sure. As draining as the day was, I will not be shaken! God is in control.

Reasons I like living downtown

The past few weekends I've challenged myself to drive as little as possible while getting out of the house and staying active as much as possible. Living downtown makes that so easy. This past weekend I wore myself out - Friday night I met a friend for dinner (did have to drive to the location - several miles and not able to walk). Saturday morning comprised of an extra long workout all along the hood. I love getting out early on the weekends - most of my neighborhood is made up of old stately houses that have been converted into law offices or counseling centers. It's quiet, low traffic, but still feels like a neighborhood, with shady streets, wide sidewalks and deep lawns. My friend RJ met me and we walked down to the farmer's market on Main Street. I wasn't sure what the selection would be like, as we're fast approaching the end of the summer crop. But I left with two huge Biltmore tomatoes (bright red and juicy), a pound of fresh green beans, an onion, and a free reusable bag from Earth Fare, all for less than $5.

The roomie and I headed back downtown, walking to Saffron's for lunch outside and then hitting Art in the Park. It was such a great day! There were all kinds of vendors and artists, and we saw some really great exhibits. And good conversation covering a wide range of subjects. Saturday night Tucker and I went for another long walk around downtown. Sunday was more of the same - early morning workout walk and church. Sunday afternoon I went back down to Art in the Park w/ C, Lem and Tiff. We stopped to draw w/ sidewalk chalk, breezed past a lot of the artists (most of the exhibits seemed a bit more fragile/breakable with a 6 and 2 year old in hand) and had a great time at the Kids Tent making our own "art".

I just completed my fifth week of tracking calories and workouts on the daily plate. Livestrong has a great tool - http://www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate. It's free and easy to use. As of Friday, I'm down 23 lbs and have tracked exercise for two consecutive weeks. It's a good feeling to have a record, and I'm trying to search out some new ideas for routes around the area. As of this morning I've been averaging 45 minute routes and jogging between 10-15 mins. in intervals of 4/5 mins. I have a long way to go, but my goal is to run the Cooper River Bridge Run in April.

There are so many things out of my control, but this is something I can control and work towards. It has helped me clear my head, make room for good quiet time, and Tucker thinks our early morning adventures are great!

There was a definite chill in the air this morning when we headed out - I even grabbed a pair of gloves to keep my fingers warm. I love the sounds of early morning - the thud of a newspaper on a porch, the occasional rumble of a truck downshifting towards Main Street . . . this is when my little city is at it's best. When the streets are quiet and the sidewalks are fresh - predawn calm before the storm of the morning commute. Everything seems so clear, so sharp. I try to mirror my mind in the same fashion; to clear my head and focus on the goals of the day, and to spend time reflecting and praying over the things that push up through the cracks. I've never thought of myself as a morning person but I certainly look forward to them lately.

Getting started

I have always enjoyed writing, for myself and for others, and the past few years I've begun to appreciate the art of blogging, too. For several months I've meant to start my own, and now that it's starting to feel like fall, I'm finding my creativity again (after the zapping heat of summer) and here we are.

There are several motives - a.) to keep in better touch with the people I love b.) to branch out and explore this incredibly inspiring world of blogs and c.) to keep myself motivated, focused and challenged. And besides, myspace has become too dark and facebook is too bright (aka not private enough for such postings as I intend here). I decided on sassafras as a title as it is my family nickname, and I've always loved the sassafras tree.

The wiki definition of a sassafras tree is as follows:

Sassafras is a genus of three species of deciduous trees in the family Lauraceae, native to eastern North America and eastern Asia.

Sassafras trees grow from 15–35 m (50–120 feet) tall and 70–150 cm (2.5–6 feet) in diameter, with many slender branches, and smooth, orange-brown bark. The bark of the mature trunk is thick, red-brown, and deeply furrowed. The wood is light, soft, weak, and brittle. All parts of the plants are very fragrant. The species are unusual in having three distinct leaf patterns on the same plant, unlobed oval, bilobed (mitten-shaped), and trilobed. The young leaves and twigs are quite mucilaginous, and produce a scent similar to lemons when crushed. The tiny, yellow flowers are five-petaled and bloom in the spring.

The name "Sassafras," applied by the botanist Nicolas Monardes in the sixteenth century, is said to be a corruption of the Spanish word for saxifrage.

I identify with this tree - soaring height, deeply furrowed, the smell of lemons . . . I remember being a little girl and my dad would pluck a sassafras leaf for me to chew on while we walked through the woods. And it really does taste like a very tangy lemon. It's a perfect little moment of clarity, as I hope this blog will be!